Distorted guitars cause my body to cover with shivers. It feels like cool wind and dazzling sun and the tension just like the one you experience when you feel somebody's lips on your breasts, hands on your thighs, male fingertips travelling back and forth.

I have never perceived this before as a waste of my time. I've been rather thinking that it would make me feel better or maybe I was simply excited about balancing on the edge again. Different understanding kicked in out of the blue, when I was comfortably lying in a bed in a dark room, softly illuminated in its half by a thin ray of light coming out from the bathroom. It was completely enough for me to change my point of view from  the "all of you" to "it's just me".

Every word was tiring and every laugh strained, the smell that I could not stand penetrated my clothes, my hair, my skin. Secretion mixed with washing powder and Magnifique. Apple juice and weed. Viscous bodies and finally the taste of fresh air. I came back with the feeling of safe depersonalizaton which I accepted and felt comfortable with at that time. My mind was sharp, causing my head to ache and my hair tangled despite of having it done before. The smell stayed with me for a long time, together with the feeling of being permeated with something to what my body reacted as if dealing with toxine. I know I will find myself there again soon, even if I don't want it now.  As soon as I forget the smell, I will need it one more time, just to painfully hit the ground and feel hatred that incites my mind.